* the love nest of him and her *

Friday, January 20, 2006

I woke up at 2:20 AM [PST] with extra fat fishy eyes. I was crying the entire night. That just means I didn't go with my friends to the Chinese General Hospital to see Cathy anymore. I didn't want them to see me in this state because it would be hard for me to explain it to them. Besides, I am not sure if they would understand. Also, another thing is that Cathy and her newborn baby girl should be the center of attraction and not a loser like myself.

I've kept my queries in my mind for too long now; I just couldn't contain it anymore ... I exploded!

Whatever happened to the advices I give my friends who are in relationships; that helped them? Why can't I apply those to my own situation? What did I do?

I never wanted to ask him questions because I know he will only tell me the same things all over again. It will be the same old story that repeats from the top each time and that's already rather tiring and stressful, too.

I know in his mind, he's saying, "It's her fault AGAIN that we fought."

Yeah, maybe he's right ... maybe it is my fault. It is my fault that I sought answers to my questions but hesitant to ask them. I didn't ask because I didn't want him to think that I am being demanding and unreasonable or that I'm putting too much stress on him regarding certain issues that pertain to us. I kept them all of those to myself and reached the point where it had already become too disturbing for me to hide.

I messed it all up! BIG TIME!

He even told me sarcastically, that I did a good job in making us end up almost hating each other. I was just being honest about how I feel. Maybe that was what I should have done, just held my true feelings back and when I reached the end of my rope, I would just quietly walk away.

He might not come back here anymore. This weblog is probably the last thing he ever wants to see from this point on. We probably won't talk anymore [eventhough we both said that we will just talk about what happened at another time]. He most likely do want to have anything to do with me anymore. He even left me in the middle of venting on Yahoo! Messenger last night. He must've known that if he stayed, it wouldn't have ended to the extent that there will be nothing left for him and I to face each other again in the future [near or far]. This may not be fixed anymore; or else it would perhaps be just like a cycle ... I'd express my thoughts, then he'd try to console me; he tells me what he plans to do and I'd believe him. But his action plans have a movable time-line. There's no set date ... Therefore, I would have to just keep on adjusting to his time, to his situation, to his plans ... because of my limitations.

I think he's really gone. I think I have another messed up relationship that I could add up to my list that already contains two. [Well, actually three.]

He probably is just not ready for the long haul with me yet. I know he loves me so much, no question about that. But maybe he's just caught up in a very trying situation on his end. But I would never know that because he won't tell me unless instances like last night would arise. But how many more of those heart-breaking moments should happen before I finally know what's really in his mind and his heart? How many more fishy eyes do I have to hide caused by wondering about things that are in his mind and from crying myself to sleep? How many more promises would he make to convince me to wait another month or two [or even way longer than that]? How many once-a-year encounters should there still be before I finally find out what he plans to do with me?
.: I do not know! :.

her mood:

tired of crying

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chRICKstine está en la nube nueve
at |3:04 AM|

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